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An investigation of Tucker Carlson's latest outrageous Biden conspiracy

Credit where credit is due, frozen dinner heir and punchable-faced Fox News host Tucker Carlson really swung for the fences Wednesday night. I mean, he just fucking went for it, and frankly, I respect the hustle. I couldn't possibly care less about what he was trying to say, but boy do I love that genuinely tried to sell his bullshit with a perfectly straight face.

The bullshit in question, in this instance, was part of Carlson's ongoing effort to turn former Hunter Biden business partner Tony Bobulinski (who???) into a capital-T Thing, which A) ain't gonna happen, B) absolutely smacks of last-minute desperation, and C) seriously, who???

This time, Carlson claimed, someone had leaked his show some super-duper-top-secret documents which somehow (he didn't exactly elucidate) would help bring down the whole corrupt Biden family crime syndicate. Or something like that. I don't actually know what the documents were supposed to say, because — gosh, wouldn't you just know it! — right when Carlson was supposed to unveil them on his show, they somehow were stolen right from under his nose. Quelle surprise!!

I'll, uh ... I'll let Tucker explain:

Let's unpack: Carlson seems to be alleging, without a hint of breaking character or even giggling at how absolutely psychotic and flimsy his claims are, that somehow someone knew he was being sent very incriminating Biden documents in the mail, and that someone was able to somehow steal those very documents undetected, mid-shipment, as they were being sent from New York City to Los Angeles. In fact, the thief was so good, they were able to abscond with these extremely real documents that definitely exist, but left behind the package in which they were sent, like some Pink Panther-esque super-crook calling card, taunting the authorities with their own ineptitude in the face of their burglar skills.

Or something.

I'd like to highlight the fact that Carlson says the package itself was found open and that in order to help security teams find the missing documents, "they used pictures of what we had sent." This presumably means then that Carlson's producer had taken pictures of the missing documents, and not just of the package itself, because why would a picture of packaging that the shipping company already found help them locate the documents that were inside that package? So, if they had pictures of the documents... what's the friggin' problem here??

Truly, the whole argument becomes unbearably ridiculous the moment you put even the laziest amount of critical thinking toward it — which makes it pitch-perfect for Carlson's audience of absorptive aspiring fascists, racists, and conspiracy mongers. Unfortunately, we'll likely be deprived of any future rambling soliloquies about cabals of Biden-associated deep state shipping criminals moving forward because — wouldn't you know it! — the papers in question were apparently found at the last minute by UPS, suggesting the package wasn't so much "stolen by a covert CIA wet team of highly specialized document retrieval experts" as it was "probably put on the wrong shelf" or something equally benign.

In a statement to The Daily Beast on Thursday, a UPS spokesperson explained that:

After an extensive search, we have found the contents of the package and are arranging for its return. UPS will always focus first on our customers, and will never stop working to solve issues and make things right.

Of course, that's exactly the sort of thing UPS would say if it were part of the Biden-aligned deep state. Right? Hmmm ...