Stephen Colbert Destroys the Worst Argument Against Gays in the Military Yet
Since 2011, gays and lesbians have been allowed to serve openly in the U.S. military, but opponents to it are still living in the past.
Take Republican Congressman Louie Gohmert of Texas who, in Stephen Colbert's opinion, is a "confused piece of gnocchi." The Colbert Report host doesn't think highly of him.
"This man is brave enough to say things that no one has the slightest desire to say," he said on Monday's show.
It's true. The politician recently appeared on a right-wing Christian radio program to reinforce his weird opinion that gays shouldn't allowed to serve in the military because they would spend all day giving each other massages and distract them from fighting against terrorism — just like the Greeks! Or something.
Here's part of his rant:
"I've had people say, 'Hey, you know, there's nothing wrong with gays in the military. Look at the Greeks. Well, you know, they did have people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle. But you know what, it's a different kind of fighting, it's a different kind of war and if you're sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into a big, planned battle, then you're not going to last very long."
"Gohmert knows his history, or he may have just been watching the gay version of the film 300, by that I mean the one released in theaters," Colbert snaps back, before launching into an argument about how gay the Greeks were.
"There Greeks were the gayest army in history ... back when battles had a set time and date. It was easy: You'd get a rubdown then run out to a Peloponnesian field for your 2 p.m. face-spearing," he said.
But, in true Colbert fashion, he ends with a classic smackdown since he's also been mocked before:
"I'm with you, sir. People have said to me, 'Stephen, I'm surprised you can even dress yourself. I bet you have to rub peanut butter inside your lips to remember to open your mouth to breath. I have never met, and I hope to never meet again a man so pervasively, astoundingly, unyieldingly ignorant.' To which I say, 'well you haven't met Louie Gohmert."
It's a good thing that only the six people listening to the radio show take him seriously. Gohmert, and other opponents to letting gays openly serve in the military, just sound bitter even three years after the fact. Since the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell," the armed forces are stronger than ever and, to their disbelief, didn't turn into a San Francisco sauna — just a little more fun.