Around the Horn: GOP Primaries


Hello everyone,

There has been much discussion over the past month regarding the back and forth between the GOP primary candidates. And while open letters are a great way to get your point across, open debate has always been the greatest forum for political discourse. It is as American as childhood obesity, bad credit, and apple pie. And since this is AMURICA, we sent out an open invitation to Michele, Mitt, and Ron, so that they can answer questions on political platforms and immediately defend the supposed weaknesses in their policies. This debate should help narrow the field, which is important because the GOP is kind of like Highlander; "In the end, there can be only one."

Moderator: Hello candidates, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to be here this evening.

Mitt: Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here.

Michele: Hello all, it is a pleasure for me as well. I thoroughly enjoyed the tea in the green room.

Ron: I believe this is a golden opportunity for us to show the differences in our policies.

Moderator: Ok let's start. The United States debt is near crippling levels, and with talks currently at a standstill, it seems America is currently at a crossroads. Please outline the financial policies you would enact if elected in 2012. 

All: I believe in adherence to the Constitution, tax reform, eliminating wasteful government spending, and limiting the size of government. I would like to repeal Obamacare.

Moderator: Ahhhhh ... ok. First, I'm going to need all of you to respond one at a time. And second, we are going to need you all to differentiate a little.

All: What?

Moderator: Sigh. Ok, Ms. Bachmann please elaborate on your economic platform. 

Michele: Well first off, unemployment is out of control and has quadrupled since Obama came into office. My policies would fix this. We eliminate minimum wage, instead of paying one person $8 an hour, we pay 4 people $2. Unemployment will be virtually erased. Problem solved and furthe...

Mitt: I Object!

Moderator: Mr. Romney, this is not a court room, if you have something to say we will get to you.

Mitt: Where did my opponent get these ridiculous numbers?

Michele: In a book.

Mitt: Are you sure you got it in a book? Are you sure it wasn't NOWHERE?


Mitt:  I thought this wasn't a court room? Now as I was saying, you cannot simply eliminate minimum wage. I propose we run the fiscal policy of this nation the Bain way. We need to look at this country like a corporation. The Harvard way … smile with your eyes, look directly into camera, show them the moneymaker.

Moderator: What was that last part?

Mitt: Oh, did I say that out loud? 

Moderator:  Never mind. Mr. Paul, Please elaborate on your proposed economic policies.

Ron: First of all it's Dr. Paul, I didn't graduate Duke medical school and serve this nation as flight surgeon in the United States Air Force to be called Mr. Paul.

Moderator: Apologies, Dr. Paul. Same question.

Ron: Thank you. Of course my opponents are using law school, consultant rhetoric to address America's problems through overly complex maneuvering. We need to get rid of these taxes; the free market will even everything out, this is the natural order. Next thing you know you will be supporting the Fed's use of gold as "money" and the Civil Rights Act as "constitutional," you know what ...

Moderator:  MOVING ON!

Michele: Yes, as I was saying before I was interrupted by Captain Crimson. Once we are all employed there will be no need to participate in this "global" economy," further reducing our debt. America is an island for a reason.

Moderator: America is not an island.

Michele: Well, for economic purposes you can hardly count Mexico.

Moderator: Even so, Canada shares a border with the United States. 

Michele: Canada isn't a territory, like Puerto Rico?

Moderator: No

All three: REALLY??!!!

Moderator: Well, I think that does it for Part 1 of the debates. Please join us next time when we cover the social issues and are joined by 4th and 5th candidates, Sarah Palin and Jon Hunstman.

All: WHAT???!!!

Photo Credit: DonkeyHoty