Having sex with someone for the first time? Good luck! With all those genitals and all that rubbing together of wet parts, the possibility of awkwardness is high. Plus, good sex doesn't always come naturally — especially when you don't know the person very well. And half the time, you're too distracted by all of your bad thoughts to even enjoy yourself. Being a human is the worst.
Anyhoo — we've compiled the ultimate ranking of concerns we have when we're doing sex with someone new:
24. OMG, this is so exciting. I can't believe this is happening.
23. Wait, are these condoms strong enough?
22. The threat of impotence: It looms.
21. Is he expecting to stay the night?
20. Is he expecting butts to be involved, or is that so 2014?
19. Is he also narrating this whole experience in his head?
18. Am I good in bed? My ex thought I was great in bed! But then again, my ex is a fucking liar. OMG, I need to stop thinking about my ex!
17. What if he thinks my junk is weird? (Oh my god, is my junk weird?)
16. What if he thinks the stuff I like in bed is weird?
15. What's the nature of 'weird' anyways? (The fissure between the signified and the signifier: It's too much.)
14. Am I bloated? (Oh God, I am bloated.)
13. What if I get preggo?
12. How horribly deformed will our future children be?
11. What if this is a Rosemary's Baby-type situation? I could totally rock some devil children. I kinda hope this is a Rosemary's Baby-type situation.
10. Will he enjoy the PowerPoint presentation I prepared for him?
9. What if I accidentally call him my ex's name?
8. What if I accidentally call him my dad's name?
7. What if I accidentally call him he who shall not be named?
What if I'm actually a spider and this has all been a dream?
6. What if I accidentally call him by my mother's maiden name because I'm thinking of my Citibank security questions?
5. What if he steals my soul and subsequently compares my soul to other souls and goes "meh"?
4. What if I'm actually a spider and this has all been a dream?
3. What if I'm being Truman Show-ed and this is all on camera?
2. What really happened at the end of Iñárritu's 2014 Oscar-winning hit Birdman? (OK, but do you think Michael Keaton actually died?)
1. Oh God, I'm on top now. Do I look fat?