First Presidential Debate: Romney Will Cut PBS and Jim Lehrer, Big Bird to Collect Welfare


Wednesday's presidential debate is finished. Tracking polls are already showing that yellow Big Birds are popping up to be saved by Obama supporters everywhere. Rasmussen has just reported that 167% of people favor repeal of the bird. As tricky as this is to believe with such a short debate schedule, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will make time to deal with this big issue.  Florida is the Sunshine State and they love yellow. Ohio has already re-engineered the roofs of cars. Real Clear Politics is reporting that PBS and Sesame Street are headed for food stamps and bread lines. The 2012 presidential election is over and the loser is Big Bird.  

Hey people, a deal is a deal! Business is business. Big Bird is on sale: 47% off!

Never mind that by 1969 Sesame Street was already educating and entertaining 1.9 million households- worth of children daily. Never mind that 95% of all American preschoolers have watched by age three and learned unnecessary things like the alphabet and counting. Wiki this!

(Moment of silence for recently deceased voice of count.)

There's money to save. I see .01% of the budget there so, I'm sorry... the bird's gotta go!

That's one more mouth to feed on the bread lines. The best solution to unemployment is to fire everybody on Sesame Street!

In a sign that Mitt Romney was clearly victorious Americans everywhere have perked up their ears and said... Wuhhhhh? Yes, ladies and gentlemen; he won a debate by raking a president who helped America avert a great depression. Romney wins by all accounts except fails the gut check.

Now, it might seem partisan, but it appears not. Romney has finally united the country behind president Barack Obama. Already, the picket lines are forming. "Save the Bird" phone drives are filling the airwaves causing cell phone outages and birds of other colors are falling out of the sky to support the president.

Fortunately, there's a nice cushy spot on someone's car!

Big Bird is on sale and he is 47% off.

One Obama supporter was quoted as saying, "Eliminating PBS from the budget is the equivalent of taking a 512kb text file off of your 500GB hard drive. Leave Big Bird alone!"

Whatta wonk! It's smart Americans like her that wouldn't bear to know any of the details of Romney's secret plans to fix the world: by balancing the budget with $7 trillion in tax cuts and spending.  There's money stuffed in Big Bird and Mitt Romney's going to find it.

Another said, "Keep your dirty Mitts off my bird!" That probably went too far. 

Someone else said, "That Romney fellow knows the political points he can score with everything and the value of nothing." 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in the most aggressive debate in history. Mitt Romney threatened a budget cut that would even have fired the moderator. Fortunately, Jim Lehrer saw this coming and retired early. He came back for one night, to be beat up by a business man on national TV. But, at 78 years old, what better way to relax then getting Romneyed!

Simmer down, now. It's only a bird!

Good thing Mitt Romney was out to show empathy and connect with the American people by firing one of the most beloved yellow feathered friends in history.  

Mitt Romney, I love Big Bird too! You're fired!

President Obama may have had a down night, but Obama supporters are behind him 100% because we know he turned America around. Hey, we were only losing 839,000 jobs per month the day Obama took office. Adding 139,000 is a one million job per month swing since the day he was sworn in. There have also been 18 tax cuts for small businesses, payroll tax cuts for all working Americans, and he saved the auto industry. He even sent bin Laden to the bottom of the ocean as fish food.

President Obama has worked very hard grappling with major national security issues, foreign policy issues, real health care reform, and running a country while Romney prepared for that one debate since 2008.  

President Obama works for us, the middle class. If he has a down night, we are going to fight twice as hard for him.