What follows is a list of things that sucked in the year 2012.
1. The Miami Heat Winning NBA Finals.
I'm a LeBron hater. But what do I hate more, LeBron or gay male pornography? I'd have preferred not knowing, but that debate could not have been settled more organically than when the Miami Heat forward Chris Bosh celebrated their championship. It turns I hate gay porn more. You win twice, LeBron.
Do you like mute psychopaths with a hard-on for fast cars, toothpicks and justice? You do. Do you like borderline statutory rapists of suicidal girls that sacrifice personal morality for political victory? Yep, you like that too. Do you like smooth-talking players with a broken past juxtaposing Steve Carell? No question, because you like what Ryan Gosling brought to the silver screen in 2011. Then in 2012, he brought nothing. Heading into 2013, he’s back! Check out the cast from this mystery Terrence Malick joint! I don’t blame 2012 for the lack of Gosling, but I’ll always remember it for the lack of Gosling.
3. The Year of the Mayans.
I’m afraid of jinxing us, but if they end up being right, I’d like every reader that lives through Armageddon to know I’d prefer this be number one.
4. The Presidential Election.
A lot has been made about "the illusion of change" as the primary tool of the serialized storyteller. The election years in this millennial’s lifetime have felt like the loudest, most annoying illusion of change that exists. I checked out. Stopped caring. It was somewhere around the 3,000th post shared on my Facebook news feed that I stopped caring. I swear that the reason Amendment 64 passed is because people just wanted to chill out from the election coverage.
5. Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 2.
It’s been seven years since men began dealing with the expectation virus that is Edward Cullen. Let’s face it, we mortals can't harness the "be around you all the time" love and angst of teen emotion and preserve it in the everlasting beauty of vampire romance. Thank God this is ending! I might even celebrate New Year’s Eve by having my last conversation about a 104-year-old vampire with decades of culture finding a teenage girl interesting.
6. This Year's AMA Awards.
It had its moments, but I'll only remember this image
It was the first time I wished that MC Hammer wasn't legit enough. Since we're here ...
7. Gangnam Style.
Look, I’m as big a fan of the "horse-riding-like dance moves" as the United Nations is, and I’m not even ready to say I won’t listen to this another 102 times before 2013, but I’ve had my fill. It’s time to walk away from the audible Chinese buffet (orry for how racially dismissive that sounds. I’ve never been to a Korean buffet and it felt like it worked). Silver lining here, Justin Bieber’s "Baby" is no longer the most viewed video on YouTube.
8. New TV Shows.
Easily the worst crop of new TV since 2009. The top shows in '09 were Modern Family, Community, and Bored to Death (RIP). This year, look at the list! It's awful. Girls was unique, and maybe you don't hate Mindy Kaling like I do. Still, you'd need one hell of an argument and $50 to convince me I'm finding a beloved evening companion like New Girl, Sons of Anarchy, Archer, Louie, Homeland, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, True Blood, The Walking Dead, Workaholics, Wilfred, or any other number of shows that have come from the past few years. Speaking of bad shows ...
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE AMERICA FOR LIKING THIS.
There are two kinds of women in this world, the kind that find Channing Tatum sexy and the kind that graduated high school.
11. Natalie Portman's Dissed by Maxim.
I'm not going to say that I hear Celine Dion whenever I think about Natalie Portman. I also won't say that I don't hear it. After being #8 in Maxim's Hot 100 in 2011, Natalie fell off the list entirely in 2012. Schizophrenic lesbian sex fantasies used to have a little more staying power. The social memory is so fleeting. I'll never let go, Natalie.
PS. Have you seen the cast for THIS MOVIE!
This still hurts to watch.