On Tuesday the College of Cardinals will convene in Vatican City in a secret papal conclave to select the next pope of the Catholic Church. No doubt these 117 cardinals are beginning to feel the pressure that comes with selecting the right man to lead the church into the 21st century by advancing 15th century values. This could actually be the most contentious papal conclave since 1268, when the cardinals took 33 months to select a new pope in Gregory X — no relation to Malcolm X. During that election, a mob actually tore the roof off the building the conclave was held in to get the cardinals to hurry.
So grab a chalice of wine, some holy Communion wafers, and some salsa to dip those cardboard-tasting little crackers in, and follow this former Catholic's running commentary on the 2013 papal conclave. Because if it weren't for me, everyone covering this story would be taking it seriously.
As head of the Catholic Church, the pope's official job is to sport flamboyant outfits and maintain the church's official policy of exluding women from leadership positions — all while pontificating about the evils of homosexuality.
Front-runners to be the Father of Fathers include:
Angelo Scola, 71 - Archibishiop of Milan
Pro: From Milan, which inspired the Milano cookie.
Con: More conservative than Antonin Scalia
Marc Ouelett, 68 - Staff director for the head of the Congregation of Bishops
Pro: From Canada
Con: From Quebec
Odilo Scherer, 63 - Archbishop of Sao Paulo
Pro: Staunch advocate of the bikini wax
Con: Election would discontinue long tradition of not electing people from south of the Equator
Sean O'Malley, 68 - Archbishop of Boston
Pro: Wouldn't take shit from Eurotrash clergymen
Con: Arguably the most uncharismatic cardinal in the entire church, which is saying something
Timothy Dolan, 63 - Archbishop of New York City
Pro: Widely regarded as funnyman
Con: Gave payoffs to pedophile priests thousands of dollars to go away. (No seriously, he did that.)
There is apparently no truth to the rumor that Cardinals Catcher Yadier Molina was already elected pope.
There they are. Fine candidates all I'm sure, but ideologically they're about as diverse as a conversation between Ron Paul and Lew Rockwell. It will be interesting to see who the College of Cardinals will choose.
Actually that was a lie. It won't be very interesting at all.
But hopefully this revelation won't prevent you from staying tuned to this live blog on the historic papal conclave to select the next leader of the Vatican's tinpot dictatorship!