Movember 2013: 11 Worst Hipster Mustaches


Now, up until this year I didn't know what Movember was. I largely ignored any mustache phenomena that didn't involve Mike Ditka or Ron Swanson. I've been even less enthused about hipster culture. I lock the door every "First Friday" and indulge in top 40s music, wear relaxed-fit jeans, and drink Coors Light (eat it, PBR. Blue ribbon my ass). However, every cultural movement has a time where they inspire something great and even hardened enemies like me have to give begrudging respect.

Movember is a global charity started in Australia in 2003, which hopes to "change the face of men's health." Men start the month clean-shaven, then grow "Mos" (short for mustache) for the month of November. These newly mustachioed men then head out into the world asking friends and family to donate to the Movember cause of raising awareness on men's health issue like prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and mental health issues. The statistics on the Movember website are staggering.

In honor of mustaches entering the public arena once more for a good cause, I'm now going to say something kind of nice about hipsters, the cultural "phenomena" that helped make this acceptable. Here are the 11, um, top hipster mustaches.

To make a donation to Movember click here.

1. The Rollie Fingers

Saving Country Music

This young gentlemen appears to have ironically watched several old Oakland Athletics games and modeled his moustache after Rollie Fingers. Anyway we can stick it to Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill for Moneyball, I'm on board.

2. Mustache / Soul Patch Combo

Milk The Bull

For the hipster on the go, here's the mustache and soul patch combo. Works great with off-color flannels and those big plastic sunglasses you get for ironically attending university events!

3. The John Waters

The Jammin Jabber

Don't think your glasses capture enough irony? Well, here's a good one for you. Nothing will draw more ironic attention to you than the pencil thin. The hipster community should trademark this. But I guess that would be selling out?

4. The (Kind Of) Handlebar

Better Off Red

Ever think Hulk Hogan didn't get enough credit for that handlebar stache in the 80s? You can always start saying your prayers, eating your vitamins, and getting eight hours of sleep because Hipstermania will be running wild.

5. The Art Major

Look At This Fucking Hipster

Seeing as being a theater (whoops, theatre) major is so passé these days, we're seeing a growth in art majors. Carrying your supplies is so mainstream. Just grow them in your beard. No one does it that way. Plus they'll be organic, which I hear is important to your cultural paradigm. I think.

6. The Swanson (Acceptable While Bowling)

Look At This Fucking Hipster

Spin is mainstream. Swanson knows and now you know too:

7. The Corporate (Exploitation)

Look At This Fucking Hipster

This isn't your father's New York Yankees clean-cut facial hair. This is making a statement against big companies. You smear their product all over your face and people will understand that big companies are using us or GMOs or something. The message isn't important as long as you're making it.

8. The Barely There

Look At This Fucking Hipster

Ever been jealous of another guy's pencil-thin stache? Don't worry, this one can one up his irony. Just go three or four days without shaving. This one is short-lived, so make sure you time it just right for that Tuesday afternoon slam poetry meeting. Goes great with organic hoop earrings.

9. The Go-To

Look At This Fucking Hipster

With hipsters everywhere getting more and more "creative" regarding their facial hair, it's important to keep the classics ironic. If no one else in the group you ironically hang out with has the original hipster stache, it could be your retro acknowledgment to those who fought top 40 hits back in the day.

10. Clean Shaven (Ironic, Huh)

Look At This Fucking Hipster

In the spirit of this article and the hipster culture, the most ironic thing I could think of was putting clean-shaven as a type of facial hair. I don't really get you guys. Do you use irony the same way I use sarcasm? 

11. The Drawn-On

Look At This Fucking Hipster

Are you the outcast of your group by having a corporate nine-to-five with benefits and a 401k? Well fear not my flannel friend. The drawn-on is right up your alley. Just get your best felt tip market and have at it. You can express your disdain for the mainstream and still have time to shower it off and head to work the next day. Best of both worlds.