Man Starts Indiegogo Campaign to Hunt Down Kony Himself — What Could Go Wrong?


Remember when Kony 2012 was a thing, and your college campus was littered for 40,000 red pieces of paper? Well, Robert Young Pelton remembers, and he's out to find Kony with your hard-earned dollars.

Pelton has started an Indiegogo campaign to raise $450,000 so he can speak with the most wanted man in Africa. This guy isn't a mercenary nutbag looking to pull some Seal Team Six stuff and go after a warlord armed with machine guns and wisecracks. No, he's going to convince Kony to turn himself in. You see, Pelton claims to have intel. He's supposedly been tracking Kony since 1993, and he doesn't know whether or not one of the most evil men in the world today is still alive, but rest assured he'll find him.

If Kony is going into villages at night and kidnapping children to reinforce a guerilla army, this guy can't seriously think he's going to get close enough to have tea and a chat with him right? Somehow after decades of brutal fighting, a war criminal is going to turn himself in because some guy with a camera crew and four saps who donated $25,000 to play Contra came knocking on his fortress? There are easier ways to die, Pelton. You can't possibly be serious.

Since this is America and you can set your money on fire anyway you like, Pelton has already raised over $7,000 for his adventure. I personally will not be donating any money, and not because I'm broke and have student loans, either. Mainly, it's because I can't in good conscience send a group of men into a jungle where they'll either leave disappointed or encounter a warlord. They don't just give out the title of warlord. You know how you get the title of warlord? By being a bad dude. We're talking like Ivan Drago's "If he dies, he dies" mantra applied to everything in life. Kony is like an evil Rambo and this joker is bringing a flashlight and a camera. 

I sincerely hope this fails, because I don't want to be writing in six months that this guy hasn't been seen or heard from and is presumed captured. If you would like to not heed my advice (and hey, who ever does), here's where you can donate to Pelton's slush fund to find and destroy Kony.