Matthew McConaughey’s “I’m not running” video is some of his best work

Actor and nude bongo enthusiast Matthew McConaughey ended months of intense (albeit deeply skeptical) speculation about his potential career in politics, announcing on Sunday that he would not run to be the next governor of his home state of Texas. Alright alright alright.

McConaughey’s declaration, like much of his acting career, came in the form of a charmingly rambling monologue, delivered in that alluringly sluggish drawl that’s helped define his brand as Hollywood’s go-to good ol’ boy stoner. And I have to say, despite my previous assertion that the world absolutely does not need yet another actor-cum-politician in the mix, McConaughey’s “I’m not running” video (titled simply “🇺🇸”) almost — almost —makes me wish he’d reconsider.

Here, watch for yourself:

Let me be absolutely, abundantly clear here: No, Matthew McConaughey should not be the governor of the country’s second-largest economy, with his inane musings on “illiberals” and wishy-washy views on vaccinations and general aura of aloof bemusement. He might not be as actively bad as Texas’s current Republican Gov. Greg Abbott, who seems hellbent on making life demonstratively worse for millions of Texans who want health care, or equal voting rights, or just, y’know, don’t want to die from a preventable viral pandemic. But “not as actively bad” and “actually good” are two very different things, and watching McConaughey’s announcement video, it’s hard to see him as being much of the latter, too.

Having said that, part of me can’t help but wish he’d at least have stuck it out a little longer, if only for the novelty of seeing him attempt to sincerely deliver more of the “forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!” speeches he does in his announcement video.

Here’s a fun drinking game for you: Take a shot every time he says “service” or “serve” and then immediately check yourself into your nearest emergency room for an acute case of alcohol poisoning. Or watch the video on mute, and see if you can guess what he’s getting at, solely based on his gesticulations alone. Or, better still: Play it in an endless loop around bedtime and let Matthew’s dulcet twang lull you into a deep sleep, filled with dreams about freedom and prosperity and conspicuously arranged stacks of McConaughey’s surprisingly well-received memoirs in the background.

What I’m saying is that it’s good McConaughey isn’t running for governor of Texas. But for sheer entertainment value — the kind of which he is both personally and professionally extremely talented at! — I almost wish he’d kept the possibility open for just a little while longer. Oh well.