The real star of Rudy Giuliani's new Cameo video is his enormous shorts

Nothing says “I’m in control of my mental faculties” like keeping an abundance of breathing room for your thighs.

Screenshot/Twitter/Rudy Giuliani

As both a personal and professional measure of self-preservation, I try not to spend too much time thinking about what goes on below Rudy Giuliani’s belt line. It exists in my mind as a nebulous void, a space where my brain simply cannot — will not — translate visual impulses into actual neural activity. I’ve found life is just better this way. And yet, sometimes I simply have no choice but to consider the former New York City mayor’s lower half.

Friends, this is one of those times.

This is truly one of the single funniest things Giuliani — a man who farted in a courtroom and adjusted his junk in a Borat movie — has ever, ever done. Every single moment here is perfect, from the gargantuan khaki shorts to the dialogue (“If you wanna have a really nice conversation ... ” ) to the fact that he seems to be swinging at nothing to his reference to the “link be-LOW” even though it’s actually a-BOVE. I’ve watched this clip a dozen times now, and each time I discover something new and horrifying and hilarious about it.

I mean ... my god, look:

Screenshot/Twitter/Rudy Giuliani

Are there outtakes? A blooper reel? How many tries did Rudy make to absolutely nail the vibe here? “I am brimming with questions. I am terrified of the answers. It makes no damn sense. Compels me though.

Rudy’s Cameo clips, which’ll run you either $325 for “personal” use (down from the previous $375 price tag) or a whopping $2,275 if you want him to say words at your “company, customers, or employees,” have already landed the onetime potential attorney general in some exceptionally stupid waters, although never with such abundant breathing room for his thighs.

Whew, glad I got that all off my chest. Now, to go back to a blissful state of never thinking about this man and his sartorial sins. At least, until the next vid drops.