Time to Log Off is a weekly series documenting the many ways our political figures show their whole asses online.
This week Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor and current melty-faced lawsuit magnet, joined the illustrious ranks of personalized video service Cameo's stable of ... I hesitate to use the blanket word "celebrities," so let's just go with "notables," who are willing to shout a custom message at a webcam for just a few hundred bucks apiece.
Now, I don't know what sort of person gets excited about shelling out multiple hundreds of dollars for the privilege — no, the honor! — of having Giuliani record a personalized rant for their viewing pleasure. And I also don't really know what's in it for Giuliani, aside from it being a tacit admission that he's flat broke right just as he needs money the most. What I do know is that Giuliani's asking price of $375 (he's raised it from his initial bid of $199) is way too much money to spend on a guy who can barely work a cell phone, while at the same time is a tantalizingly cheap option for anyone really dedicated to the fine art of trolling.
As Giuliani himself notes in his introductory Cameo video:
If there is an issue you want to discuss or a story you'd like to hear or share with me or a greeting that I can bring to someone that would bring happiness to their day, I would be delighted to do it. It can be arranged. We can talk through the magic of Cameo.
Well, I may not have a few hundred bucks to spare, but I do have plenty of issues to discuss, and sure, I could use some happiness in my day. So, if you have the cash on hand, and are feeling generous, here are my ideas for what you could tell Rudy to do on Cameo.
1) Pay him to state that the 2020 presidential election wasn't stolen, that Joe Biden is the rightful occupant of the White House, and that Donald Trump did, indeed, incite the Jan. 6 insurrection.
Okay, this one's admittedly kind of basic, but I think it's a good starting point. It checks all the requisite boxes, by making him say an embarrassing thing that negates his past few years of jabbering. It's not the most creative troll, but it gets the job done. Besides, it's not like he's not perfectly comfortable lying during an election (doy). As he admitted in a 2018 interview just uncovered by The Washington Post, "You could throw a fake" during a campaign and it's totally cool. Good to know!
2) Pay him to endorse literally anyone running for New York governor in 2022, except his son, Andrew.
There is absolutely nothing about Andrew Giuliani's campaign to become the next governor of New York State that makes me think he would be a competent executive on any level, whether state, municipal, co-op board, or surrounded by imaginary friends. Surely Rudy, with his incisive political acumen and cutthroat instinct for New York elections can see that. So what's a Giuliani to do? Maybe your offering him cash to endorse someone else is the sort of off-ramp he's been secretly hoping for. "Sorry, son. I didn't want to endorse Lee Zeldin over you, but, well, they paid me on Cameo, so what could I do?"
Just an option!
3) Pay him to recite all of Scatman John's 1994 smash hit "Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop)".
There's no bigger point here. It would just be extremely funny to me.
4) Pay him to admit that he did the fart.
Who can forget the halcyon days of this past December when, in the midst of his most serious election tampering, Rudy Giuliani, feared former federal prosecutor, iconic New York City mayor, and MAGA pitbull sat before the Michigan House Oversight Committee and loudly farted?
To date, I don't think Rudy has ever publicly fessed up to having been the one who dealt it. What better time than now to correct this historic wrong, and set the record straight once and for all. Rudy, we all know you did the fart. Just admit it.
5) Pay him to do another fart.
In any case, these have been some ideas for what you could ask Rudy Giuliani to do now that he's on Cameo. I can't say for sure whether he'd agree or not, but it sounds like he's pretty strapped for cash, and, well, desperation makes us do strange things.