Oh god, Trump is having a press conference on Jan. 6

Hard as it may be to believe, it hasn’t even been a full year since a mob of conspiracy-addled seditionists breached the halls of Congress in a violent attempt to overturn Joe Biden’s electoral victory and install Donald Trump for a second — and potentially perpetual — term in his stead. Nevertheless, the Jan. 6 insurrection has already cemented itself in the national psyche as one of the foundational events of the 21st century — a moment in which the fragility of American democracy was revealed, and very nearly shattered. It’s become the pivot point around which an increasingly fascist conservative movement has centered itself, serving as a rallying cry for Republicans laying the tactical groundwork to contest electoral losses they simply choose not to accept. And how better to cement Jan. 6 as the seditionist holiday than with a just-announced speech by none other than Trump himself, in what is sure to be a deeply conciliatory, dignified mea culpa over his role in fomenting an attempted coup.

Nah, just kidding, it’s gonna be a total shitshow!

In a press release Tuesday morning that blasted both the Democrats and Republicans tasked with investigating the causes — and potential criminality — behind the Capitol riot as “highly partisan political hacks,” Trump continued to push the debunked “theory,” such that it is, that he actually won the 2020 presidential election. Then, he announced, “I will be having a news conference on January 6th at Mar-a-Lago to discuss all these points and more.” How exciting!

As has been the case with just about every press conference Trump has held over the past five-ish years, it’s a virtual guarantee that the former president’s upcoming remarks will be a bombastic flood of psychotic ramblings, personal grievances, and deeply unsubtle insinuations — and perhaps even express instructions — to his most rabid followers to continue doing what they have been for his personal benefit. And with the increasing sense of inevitability that Trump will at some point declare plans to run for the White House once again, it’s possible that his Jan. 6 speech will someday be looked back upon with the same rueful nausea as his descent down that golden escalator in his eponymous Manhattan skyscraper.

No matter what Trump actually says at his conference, the broader point is appallingly clear: Jan. 6 has become a unifying point for the violent, seditionist movements in this country. What’s more, so long as it remains as such, Donald Trump will continue to exploit it as a means to do what he does best: preen in front of a bank of cameras, and whip his fanatic followers into action for his own personal benefit.

Nevertheless, if it were up to me, there are a few things I would actually like to hear him announce at his upcoming event. Maybe he’s bringing back Trump steaks! Frankly, who wouldn’t be excited about a new option in the frozen meat section of their local grocery store? Maybe he has COVID again; that was fun the first time around. Maybe he’s disavowing Don Jr., or getting into NFTs just like Melania. That would be great, because I can’t imagine anything funnier than watching Donald Trump try to explain what NFTs actually are. It’d be like asking a sea turtle to explain Facebook’s rebrand to Meta.

Or maybe, just maybe, he’ll be announcing that the pee tape is real. In which case, I just have to say: I knew it.