If your first introduction to Adam Driver was through Lena Dunham’s show Girls, then it is fair if you don’t think the man is attractive. Driver’s character in that series was like watching a six-foot baby run around and throw ugly temper tantrums. The characteristics we’d all soon grow to desire (big hands, big legs, expressive face) were used to wreak havoc and generally present the worst possible edition of a man. But after Girls, Driver thankfully moved on to other projects.
First, there was the new installment of Star Wars films, where he played the still pretty whiny but considerably more tolerable villain Kylo Ren. That birthed the cummerbund shirtless scene in The Last Jedi, which was when Driver went from being hot to a few conflicted people watching a Lena Dunham project to the object of affection for a million horny nerds. By the end of 2018, Driver had also starred in Spike Lee’s Blackkklansman, where both his talent and his height were revealed to an even wider audience. In that film, Driver seemed taller than ever, the facial hair added a new dimension of thirst. You didn’t have to understand the intricacies of the galaxy and beyond in order to appreciate Driver. You just had to appreciate a Spike Lee movie.
By the spring of 2019, Driver starred in Burn This on Broadway, across from Kerri Russell. That is when the frenzied lust for the man was truly unleashed. The staff of New York Magazine ruminated on the size of Adam Driver. He was described by the staff as “enormous,” “immense,” “incomprehensibly large,” and “a wise old oak tree on Viagra.” It was at this point the Driver not only became another hot man in Hollywood, he became The Hot Man in Hollywood.
By the time the trailers for Noah Baumbach’s Marriage Story were released in theaters, you were either onboard for Driver’s brand of hotness or you super weren’t. When Marriage Story was released on Netflix shortly after, that is when all hell broke loose. If you had a Netflix login, you could stream Baumbach’s divorce disaster, and bear witness to al 6’2 inches of Driver, who screamed and cried and laughed and raged his way into 14 different acting nominations already this season, including the Golden Globe for Best Actor.
And it’s not just Driver’s size that makes him so appealing, though that is certainly a large part of it. (I have already admitted to the internet that I want Adam Driver’s whole hand to cover my entire face. I am convinced, based on my own rough estimates, that the length of his hand, from the bottom of his palm to the tips of his fingers, could cover my entire forehead and maybe a little bit of my neck. The possibility of this has left me debilitated for several minutes at a time over the past few days.)
But his size aside, it’s also his ability to emote, his shaggy black hair, a nose that suggests at some point in his teens, he didn’t look hot, but rather super awkward. And nothing is hotter than knowing that at some point, a hot man was once not hot, and therefore has at least passing familiarity with humility. On Reddit, one person wrote that they think Driver is “beautiful and unique,” while another wrote they “love the cadence of his speech.” One deliriously horny person wrote that “if he told me to kneel in front of him in his Kylo voice, I would definitely obey.” (I’m not passing judgment on that person! In fact, this just added a chapter to the endless novel that is my disgusting imagination, so thank you very much.)
All of these factors combined have helped Driver surpass all of the Chrises (Hemsworth, Pine, Evans, and for the people who can overlook his politics, Pratt), with their more classically chiseled features and dirty blonde hair. Driver has kicked out those square-jawed men with his pointy chin and his towering height to join the ranks of Idris Elba and Henry Golding and Oscar Isaac, and the internet’s very own boyfriend, Keanu Reeves.
Adam Driver appears to have the physical strength to throw you over his shoulder and also the emotional depth to understand your extremely passionate response to the Little Women trailer.
And in 2019, if you don’t have that kind of range, then you’re not really worth our lust.