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How to masturbate at work, according to people who’ve done it

According to a small survey one Time Out NY writer did, more than a third of people she spoke to masturbate at work. My Instagram followers, however, are a far pervier bunch, because about 80% of 113 of my friends admitted to a little on-the-clock self love when I put out a poll.

If you’re wondering if rubbing one out at work is a waste of a good lunch break, I should tell you that masturbation is shown to leave you happier and more relaxed, not to mention being a great way to break up a sloggy work day. But don’t take my word for it — here are a couple of stories from folks in my social media fam who’ve gone to town on themselves on the clock (first names only, since they’d like to keep their jobs).

Randy from Reno

“It's impossible to do when I'm working but I used to do it when was closing the salon by myself a lot. Sometimes I would do it while I was closing up shop after everyone had left. If I wasn't busy and I was bored out of my mind and horny AF, I'd look at Tumblr with the volume off and then go in the bathroom and rub one out. I've never been caught to my knowledge but there were a few close calls.”

Bina from Baton Rouge

“This might sound weird but I’m a nurse, and sexually I’m really into speed, adrenaline rushes, and danger. It turns me on. So when I’m at work and there’s action, afterwards I’m left kind of turned on. So there’ve been many times where I’ve locked myself in the bathroom, leaned against the wall and f*cked myself. Shirt pulled up, nipples pinched with one hand and the other hand finger f*cking myself and rubbing my clit. I’ve masturbated in the car on many lunch breaks in the parking garage of the hospital. My newest job gave me an office, and it’s become a wonderful place to lean back in my chair and orgasm when needed. I think that with the adrenaline plus the stress that my job brings, taking time out for myself during the day makes me a better person.”

Iris from Atlanta

“I don’t remember many details about my on-the-job masturbation experience because it was over 10 years ago, but here’s what I do recall: I was working at a stationery store, and I found myself in a heightened state of sexual excitement — because of a hot person? Was it that part of my cycle? I don’t remember — to the point that I was having trouble focusing on my not-very-complicated customer service job. So I went in the bathroom and undid my pants, probably pulled them down a ways for proper leverage, and gave myself a quick, utilitarian orgasm, equal parts clit and g-spot stimulation. I do remember smirking at myself in the mirror — while washing my hands, obviously — and then returning as a much more present, focused employee. Just taking one for the team.”

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Christian from New Orleans

“About four years ago, I was a maintenance technician at a hospital for two years. It was some of the best money I've ever made and. After about six months of working that job I had gotten fairly comfortable. My daily routine was clock in, pick up my work orders, and then just sit around drinking coffee and bullshitting with the other maintenance techs. Usually once or twice a week almost always early in the morning I would be torqued, and I’d have plenty of time to jerk off after my first work order was finished.

There was a wing at the hospital that was shut down to the public. You had to know a special code on one of the elevators to get to it. It was creepy, with old medical equipment strung everywhere. The exit signs were hanging by wires. Frankly it looked like some derelict sh*t from Resident Evil. That's where I would always find a basically deserted bathroom to jerk it in. Masturbating there was always also a bit of a creep thrill because people that worked there swore it was haunted.

I once had a weird experience in a shut-down ER ward. I was looking for old beds to repair and looked inside of a very large bathroom with a shower. There was steam — almost fog — in it. I didn't think it was that strange because I knew it was a shower but I went inside and the shower was not on. The steam seemed to be coming from nowhere. It made my skin crawl. Also the thought of God-only-knows how many people had died in there because the hospital was over a hundred years old. I basically raced for the door and, in the process I saw a toilet seat slam down on the porcelain. Once I got out the door slammed shut. Wind couldn't explain it because no windows were open. I have absolutely no explanation for it, to this day.”

Heather from Santa Monica

“I think it’s an issue of single stalls vs. single-user spaces. Not that I’ve over-thought this idea.”

Nora from New Orleans

“When I worked at Jazz Fest I would sneak into the grandstand 5th floor private boxes for a good ol’ masturbation sesh — all those people and sounds really stress me out. I imagine if there was any security cameras I gave someone a good show. Maybe that’s why I never got in trouble.”

Gale from Detroit

“One time when I was working at 7-11, a lady came in in a bikini and kinda flirted with me, and I got off in the bathroom between customers listening for the bell. Another time, I was working receiving in a warehouse and one of our vendors used to come in for quality assurance checks. I think one time she caught me staring at her butt as she opened up power supplies. She started pushing the envelope: wearing shorter shirts, bending over longer, pointing her body at me more. I remember having to excuse myself a lot. I'm sure she knew. But I’ve never been caught. Never broken anything, fallen down, or hurt myself.”