Recently, I found myself on YouTube watching Megan Thee Stallion videos, (I came for “WAP,” and stayed for whatever the algorithm gave me) and after butchering the dance to “Savage,” I encountered Meg’s second single off of her EP Suga, “Captain Hook.” The track is a clever ode to what she thinks is her companion’s most appealing feature — a curved penis — hence the nickname.
“Dance on the dick, now, you been served/ I like a dick with a little bit of curve / Hit this pussy with an uppercut, Call that nigga Captain Hook,” Meg spits. In these four bars, Megan describes her appreciation for his genitalia in such detail that you know which direction it bends, what position they’re having sex in, and that she’s a fan of Robin Hood.
Her lyrical prowess made me wonder if any other women rappers felt compelled to describe a cock’s curve. I surprisingly only found one: Cupcakke’s “Squidward Nose”, and upbeat insult track about a man’s small member and how she would rather “ride Squidward’s nose.” This, I should not, is an allusion to a curved a dick that will haunt me every time I use a SpongeBob SquarePants meme. And then of course, there was the case of Nicki Minaj and her ex, Safaree Samuels, but we don’t even go there.
Look, pop culture in general is curious and sometimes preoccupied with curved penises. But is the condition normal? I decided to verify the facts with someone in the know.
As I found out, there are few reasons for a veering Johnson. “Penile curvature can be both congenital — as in from birth — and acquired, like from a disease or injury,” says Karyn Eilber, associate professor of urology, obstetrics and gynecology at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. “When it's acquired, it's often because of scar related to trauma like sexual activity, injection therapy for erectile dysfunction, or an autoimmune disease.” She adds that a curve often occurs because there is a scar, or plaque — not like the ones in arteries, but in the spongy tissue inside the penis that pulls on the surrounding tissue, causing the penis to curve towards the side when it's erect.
“Imagine you have a straight balloon that has one area that doesn't stretch. When the balloon is inflated, it would bend towards the side that has the non-stretchy area,” Eilber says (and all I can think of now is balloon animals). That’s the science behind a curve — something about 5% of people have to some degree — but how does curvature change how it’s used? Does everybody who encounters it sing (or rap) its praises like Meg did?
“The degree of curvature determines how intercourse is affected. A mild curvature may not have any impact,” says Eilber, adding that a man born with mild curvature may not even realize he has a unique wang. That is, unless a partner tells him — which might actually happen, considering how vocal people have been about it in magazines and hilarious, candid comedy sets
A sidenote: Some experts assert that a curved penis can reach a cervix more easily, which results in a more pleasurable experience. But this only applies to mild curves, which science says is a 30° turn or less, so get your protractor. “Regardless of whether it’s vaginal or anal intercourse, if there is severe curvature, intercourse can be painful for both the man with the curvature and their partner,” Eilber says.
So what of penis-havers with a more pronounced curve? If it doesn’t hurt and it’s pleasurable for everyone involved in your sex life, I wouldn’t worry too much. But if you’re experiencing pain as the penis-haver, you may have a condition called Peyronie’s Disease. A form of penile fibrosis, the condition is a result of repeated penile injury, typically during sex or physical activity. In addition to a sometimes severe curve, the condition results in painful erections. In that case, you should definitely go see a doctor, who may suggest treatment options.
“Peyronie's Disease results in painful curving, but not all [curved] penises are a form of Peyronie's. There are some that men are born with a curve and this is called chordee,” Eilber says, which is much less common, at less than 1% of penises affected.
Treatment for this includes vitamin E or Potaba supplements that potentially can help scarring such, injections into the penis with medications that can break the cause of a curve down, or surgery that straightens your member. After reading “injections” and “penis” in the same sentence, you may be feeling #emotions for all those afflicted — I know I am.
“I am sure there are men who have mild curvature that increases pleasure for their partner or their partner doesn't even notice, but those men aren't the ones who seek medical attention,” Eilber says. “In general, the men who seek medical attention are usually bothered either with appearance, function or pain.”
To those who are only aesthetically displeased with theirs, know that a curved penis is completely normal. A truly astonishing amount of Google search results from dudes tells me that people are seeking corrective surgery for something that isn’t exactly incorrect, paraphrasing the question, “Is there something wrong with me?” There certainly isn't. If you need any additional convincing, I’ll consider writing a song about it.