While heterosexual men have been taking it in the butt for hundreds of years, in 2020, we saw a new uptick in the Bend Over, Boyfriend phenomenon. It’s not clear why this actually not new practice became a hot topic so recently, but before you say, “Sounds gay, I’m in,” and start pegging away, there are a few things you should know.
I talked to some anal experts about what beginners need to know about pegging.
But it does have kind of gay roots. The term was suggested by a reader of Dan Savage’s Savage Love column in 2001 as a way to describe heterosexual women fucking heterosexual men in the ass.
“Boy prostitutes were sometimes called peg boys because they would sit on pegs to keep their assholes open between clients, so I suggest the word ‘peg,’” wrote contributor Paris P.
Savage initially brushed off the term, but it stuck around in the Savage Love community and eventually made its way into mainstream usage. Now it’s used to describe basically any instance of someone of any gender penetrating someone else in the ass with a dildo.
“This is one of those times that you really do have to use your words,” Taylor Sparks, a sex educator in Hollywood and Founder of Organic Loven, one of the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shops, says.
Because you may have had the initial, “Wanna try this?” conversation in advance of the act, you need to make sure your partner is still excited to try it, Sparks says. And, Sparks emphasizes, the pegger and the peggee need to participate equally in the conversation and proclaim their enthusiastic consent before anyone gets out the lube.
“Being penetrated might be — or evoke — a form of gender play. It doesn't do that for everyone, but it definitely does for some,” Queen explains. This can be true for both people involved. Because these acts have gender coding in our culture, they may affect our sense of identity as much as our bodies and that needs to be thought of and discussed in advance.
It’s probably obvious, but you’re going to need a dildo. What’s not obvious is which dildo. That’s because this is largely a very personal choice. “It's especially good to choose your dildo in consultation with said partner, since people will have very different size preferences depending on their experience and comfort level,” says Queen. She recommends using a dildo made of a flexible material — like silicone, starting small, and working your way up to larger sizes if it and when it feels good.
People with vaginas may get some extra pleasure from using a strapless strap-on — a dildo that is held in the vagina with what is essentially another dildo attached.
If you want to be penetrated while you are pegging, strapless dildos are a great option, but I don’t recommend using a strapless dildo without a harness. You can, but it can be a little distracting to try to hold it steady in place while you’re thrusting. I like to use a strapless dildo in conjunction with a harness — the strap in “strap-on.”
You need to use lube, especially when it comes to anal. Make sure you use one that works with the toy you’ve chosen — don’t use a silicone-based lube with silicone dildos — and use a lot of it! Despite rumors, the anus is not self-lubricating. Lube can make the difference between a pegging experience that gets you off and pegging that makes you tell someone to get lost.
“The one place you want to feel pain is during anal sex so you know when to stop. The anus is very susceptible to microtears. You don’t want to discover that you/they have been hurt after the numbing cream wears off,” says Sparks. “If you are feeling pain, that is a sign to stop.”
Make sure you’re talking to your partner and asking if they need more lube. I find experimenting with lube to be part of the fun, and buying organic lubes from BIPOC-owned companies is a good way to make your politics personal. Like really, really personal.
As with every other sex act, there is no one best position for pegging. Two really good positions are a lifted missionary or doggy style, says Sparks.
If you need positional inspo, Queen’s Bend Over Boyfriend is a series of instructional videos that is both informative and hot af.
You can get just the right lift by using sex pillows that are firm, will hold the person's weight and give good height, angle and depth — Sparks’ recommends this pillow.