Pornhub's free premium membership encourages users to stay home (and masturbate)

Adult film titan, Pornhub, wants you to #stayhome and masturbate. You might be saying to yourself, “Yeah, duh. That’s what Pornhub always wants people to do.” But the company is apparently feeling generous in light of the COVID crisis, and has offered free premium Pornhub memberships to all. A premium membership, for Pornhub newbies, means no ads and faster streaming on all the smut you can handle.

Pornhub requests that all users who take advantage of this offer commit to staying home or at least washing their hands, and the landing page features the now ubiquitous “flattening the curve” graph and language. This all feels like surreal corporate virtue signaling, which in fact, Pornhub is known for. To be fair, Pornhub has also donated 50,000 surgical masks to organizations in NYC and $25,000 to the Sex Workers Outreach Project, which is helping sex workers who are affected by COVID, Mashable reported.

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I’m all for philanthropic donations that Pornhub is making, especially in light of the fact that they are generally known as a conglomerate that hurts the lives and livelihoods of sex workers. And Pornhub is definitely on the right track when it comes to masturbation. Masturbation is great for your health, and a little menage a moi is the perfect lunch break activity, especially since none of us need to worry about disturbing our co-workers anymore.

Look, spanking the monkey may be the only truly safe sex we can have right now, so we might as well make the most of it. Why accept a handout from a company whose website alone is worth over 3 billion dollars? My recommendation: Give Pornhub an old email you don't use so that when this marketing stunt is over, you can masturbate in good conscience knowing that you've successfully fucked them, too.